I might have hit a turning point in my life this past week. It's nothing I can talk about in this public forum, but it might be that something has begun that will change things. But really, I say that almost every few weeks. Whether it's thinking something really good is about to happen on the romance front (only to find that it doesn't), finding myself in a really bad mood at work (you know, the kind where every person who asks something of me pisses me off - thankfully that hasn't happened in while) or just questioning my life, priorities and direction, it feels like I've been in a state of...well...suspension for a while now.
But the thing is, it's ok. I think I might have grown up enough to realize that if you're someone like me; ie, chronically single, career-focused, prone to overthinking everything, you're not likely to settle into a routine and just be happy with it. You may settle into a routine, but you're going to question it, even as you keep it up. And so I have learned not to read too much into these feelings. If something is going to happen, it will. Fatalistic, you say? Lazy, even? I don't think so. It's a pretty zen place to be.
That said, it seems appropriate that after all the thoughts that this past week has inspired, I arrived at Sunday evening with a big fat smile on my face. This came about not just because I'm overweight and I happened to go to a comedy club, but because, when you look back on my weekend, it's such a great summary of my life right now.
Let's take it chronologically:
Friday: Aside from the indignity of having to attend an 8am meeting with no breakfast goodies, Friday started with the kind of discussions that make the rest of the day feel rather surreal. But the day got better, ending on a positive note that included an absolutely amazing dinner at a new restaurant with a friend. This was followed by a (ahem, sold-out) concert featuring the Poncho Sanchez Band. As we grooved to the music, my friend leaned over and said "I'm not going to last through the second act" and I nearly laughed aloud, because I'd been thinking the same thing; as great as the band was, I was DONE with work and ready to go home to my dog.
Saturday, I got to sleep in, laze about, get my hair cut, take a long walk, and see a symphony performance. I fell in love with Shostakovich's 5th Symphony, then came home to my pooch bouncing and hopping around as if I hadn't spent the whole day with her. Seriously, is there anything better than the way your dog greets you after you've been gone?
Today, I slept in again (these are the days when I bless the fact that I am childless), wasted two whole hours watching Extreme Home Makeover, did some cleaning, headed off to listen to a discussion about the Mark Morris Dance Group and the classical trio Time for Three (go to their website and watch the video there if you want a little inspiration), then raced back home to watch the Patriots narrowly defeat the Ravens, setting up a repeat of the Pats/Giants Superbowl matchup that ended badly for us New England fans back in 2008. Another walk, a bit more football and then an impromptu visit to the aforementioned comedy club, where I giggled a lot at comedian AJ Finney, who was foul of mouth, but amusing.
And now I'm home, listening to the spooky wind, grateful that we're out of the tornado range, but still a little wary. It's one of those nights when you make sure you wear appropriate clothing to bed, because if you have to dive into a closet or seek shelter after your house has been blown down, well, at least you can make sure you're wearing pants and long sleeves when you do. (I know, I know. But these are the weird things I think about) Anyway, it was a busy, interesting weekend of art, sports and comedy, experienced both alone and with friends. And yet, I couldn't shake the feeling that something was...a little off. But I reached the end of it realizing I was ok with that.
I heard a quote once; I think the quotee was quoting a tight rope walker, who said something to effect of : "It's not about achieving perfect balance. It's about being comfortable with being out of balance."
And that's it. That's exactly how I feel. Here's hoping I can stay on the tightrope this next week.